MY DAUGHTER AND I HAVE A “CODE WORD” — WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY IS WHY YOU SHOULD CONSIDER HAVING ONE WITH YOUR LOVED ONES TOO.
My mom shared this advice with me long ago, but it was only yesterday that I fully understood the importance of passing it on.
The concept is straightforward: you and your child choose a secret word they can use if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe and can’t communicate that openly, whether it’s at a sleepover they want to escape or at an event that seems off.
Yesterday, I hurried to pick up my daughter from her dad’s place after she casually mentioned the code word during a phone conversation, and I felt compelled to share this knowledge so that your loved ones can also stay safe.
There are certain guidelines regarding what the “code word” should be. First and foremost, never use ⬇️
My little girl often spends weekends with her father, but what transpired this time had my heart racing.
Our daughter requested to speak with me on the phone and used our code word, signaling that she needed a way out.
Here’s why having code words is a vital strategy for keeping our kids safe.
When I was young, my mother taught me to use a code word if I found myself in trouble and couldn’t speak up.
As an adult, I decided to pass this excellent method on to my little girl.
I thought she could use it to escape sleepovers or uncomfortable situations. However, I never anticipated that she would need to use it so soon.
Yesterday seemed like any other day, or so I believed. While I was in my kitchen, finishing my evening coffee, my phone rang.
It was my ex-husband, Dave. Our once warm and affectionate relationship had become strained over the years.
Divorce has a way of doing that, and while we tried to maintain a civil relationship for the sake of our daughter, Amy, things were often tense.
“Hey, Claire,” Dave’s voice came through, a bit hesitant. “Amy wants to talk to you. She’s been asking to share about her day since she arrived.” This surprised me. Amy typically enjoyed her weekends with her dad and rarely called during those visits. “Oh, sure, put her on,” I responded, striving to keep my voice steady. The fact that Dave sounded off added to the unease settling in my stomach.
“Hi, Mom!” Amy’s voice was cheerful as always, but there was something in her tone that I couldn’t pinpoint. This was unusual, so I tuned in closely.
“Hey, sweetie! How’s your weekend going? Have you been having fun?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation light.
“Yeah, it’s been good. We went to the park yesterday, and I drew some pictures this morning. I drew a dog, a tree, and… I wish I had a blue marker so I could draw blueberries.” Those words hit me like a ton of bricks!
There it was: our code word.
My heart skipped a beat, and for a moment, I struggled to find my voice. Among her innocent chatter, Amy had slipped in our “password.” When she was younger, I had taught her the importance of having a secret word for when she felt unsafe but couldn’t express it directly.
“Blueberries” was our word, but I never imagined she would actually use it. I swallowed hard and forced myself to stay calm because that word meant “get me out of here immediately.”
“That sounds wonderful, honey. I’m on my way to pick you up. Please don’t say anything to your father. I’ll talk to him when I arrive.”
“Did you have anything else you wanted to tell me?”
“No, that’s it,” she replied, her tone still sweet but laced with something else; fear?
Uncertainty? I wasn’t sure, but I knew I had to get her out of there. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” I said as casually as possible.
“Okay, Mom. Love you.”
“Love you too, my Amy Wamy.” I heard her giggle as I hung up the phone, my hands trembling.
My mind raced as I tried to figure out what could have happened. Dave had never given me any reason to doubt his ability to care for our daughter, but something was clearly wrong.
I grabbed my keys, my mind made up. I had to go to my ex’s place and get Amy.
When I finally arrived, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
To my surprise, it wasn’t Dave who answered but a woman I didn’t recognize. She looked at me with a mix of curiosity and annoyance. “Can I help you?” she asked, her tone curt.
“I’m here to pick up my daughter,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice steady. “Is Dave home?”
“He just stepped out to run a few errands,” she replied, crossing her arms. “But Amy’s inside. Who are you?”
“I’m Claire, Amy’s mom,” I said, my patience thinning. “And you are?”
The woman’s expression didn’t soften. “I’m Lisa. Dave’s girlfriend. We’ve been living together for a few weeks now.”
I blinked, taken aback. Dave had never mentioned that he had a girlfriend, let alone that she had moved in. Why hadn’t Amy said anything about this before? But now wasn’t the time for questions.
I needed to get my daughter out of there. “Well, Lisa, I just remembered that Amy has a doctor’s appointment early in the morning, and there are some things we need to go over before then,” I lied, forcing a smile. “I totally forgot to mention it to Dave. I’m just going to take her, and I’ll bring her back later.”
Lisa didn’t seem convinced, but she didn’t argue either. “Fine, but I’ll let Dave know.”
“Of course,” I said, stepping past her into the house. Amy was sitting on the couch, her small frame curled up as she colored in a book. When she saw me, her face lit up, but I could see the relief in her eyes.
“Hi, sweetie,” I said, trying to keep the mood light. “We need to get ready for the doctor tomorrow, remember?”
Amy nodded and stood up, clutching her book to her chest. She didn’t say a word as she followed me out of the house. Lisa watched us leave, her eyes narrowing, but she didn’t stop us. Once we were in the car and driving away, I glanced over at my daughter. “You okay, baby?” I asked gently.
At first, Amy nodded, but as the tension of the situation began to dissipate, she started to cry. She tried to speak between sobs. “Mom, Lisa… Lisa is mean to me when Dad isn’t around.”
“What do you mean, sweetie?” I asked, my heart breaking.
“She says things,” Amy continued, tears streaming down her cheeks. “She says I’m annoying and that I shouldn’t be there. She told me that if I told Dad, he wouldn’t believe me because I’m just a kid. She said I should stay in my room and not bother them.”
The anger that flared inside me was almost blinding! How dare this woman, who had no right to be in my daughter’s life, treat her this way? “Amy, you did the right thing by telling me. I’m so proud of you,” I said, striving to keep my voice calm. “You don’t ever have to be around her again if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to your dad, and we’ll figure this out, okay?”
Amy nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “Okay, Mom.”
When we got home, I gave Amy a big hug and expressed how much I loved her. Once she settled in her room with her favorite stuffed animal, I picked up my phone and called Dave. He answered on the third ring.
“Hey, Claire, did something happen? I just got home, and Lisa said you came by and took Amy?”
“Yes, something did happen,” I said, unable to hide the anger in my voice. “Amy used our code word today, Dave. She wanted to leave because Lisa has been saying terrible things to her when you’re not around.”
There was a long silence on the other end of the line.
“What? That can’t be right… Lisa wouldn’t—”
“She did, Dave. Amy was in tears by the time we got in the car. She’s scared of your girlfriend, and she didn’t know how to tell you, so she told me the only way she could.”
“Claire, I’m sorry. I had no idea. I’ll talk to Lisa. This isn’t acceptable.”
“No, it’s not,” I said, my voice softening. “But what’s more important is Amy. She’s the one we need to be thinking about.”
“You’re right,” Dave said, sounding more defeated than I’d ever heard him. “I’ll handle it. I promise.”
After we hung up, I sat on the couch, feeling emotionally drained. This wasn’t how I envisioned my weekend, but I was relieved that Amy felt safe enough to use our code word. It was a small thing, but it made all the difference. Then and there, I decided my little girl needed a phone. I knew technology could be detrimental to her development, but I believed she could use it to text me, and it would come in handy.
As I reflected on everything that had happened, I realized how crucial it was for other parents to establish a similar plan. That code word provided my Amy a way to reach out without feeling exposed or vulnerable. It also allowed me to intervene before things escalated further. However, the code word isn’t just about picking any random word; there are a few important rules to ensure you select a good “password.”
First, never use common words that might come up frequently in everyday conversation. You don’t want the word to be mentioned casually and cause unnecessary alarm. Words like “school,” “birthday,” or colors should be avoided since they are easy for others to guess. Secondly, consider a phrase if your child is old enough to remember it. A short, memorable phrase or a combination of two words can add extra security. It should be something that wouldn’t be easily guessed by others but is still easy for your child to recall, such as “sunshine forest,” “dancing penguin,” or “blue apple.” It’s best to test it to ensure your child can remember it easily, even under different circumstances, like when they’re stressed or calm.
Rule number three is to role-play scenarios with your child. Practice using the code word in various situations so they understand exactly when and how to use it. This will help them feel confident and prepared if they ever need to use it. Our experience served as a powerful reminder of how such a simple plan can make a significant difference. By sharing our story, I hope more parents will consider creating a code word with their children. It might just be the tool they need in a critical moment.
