And yet.
I still felt like I was standing in her shadow. And with the way Jamie had been acting lately, distant and cold and somewhere else entirely, I was starting to wonder if he’d ever seen me as his mother at all.
Maybe now that Michael was gone, Jamie didn’t see any reason to keep up the act.
I slipped the letter and the watch into my cardigan pocket and left the study, closing the door softly behind me.
That evening, I made Jamie’s favorite dinner: chicken parmesan with garlic bread from scratch, and Caesar salad with extra croutons.
I told myself I was creating warmth, but really, I think I was just trying to prove something.
Jaime came downstairs with his earbuds still in and sat at the table without looking at me.
“You’ve been out a lot lately,” I said.
He shrugged. “I needed air.”
“I get that. I just worry, you know?”
The moment the words left my mouth, I saw him flinch, like I’d reached out and touched something raw.
“You don’t have to,” he said, and his voice had an edge I didn’t recognize.
“I’m not your kid.”
I felt those words go through me like a knife; clean, sharp, right between the ribs. The silence that followed felt thick enough to drown in.
“I’ve always considered you my son,” I whispered.
“Yeah, well.” He wouldn’t look at me. “It’s different now that Dad’s gone, isn’t it?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out.
He was right, everything was different now, and I had no idea how to fix it.
“But hey,” he said, his voice cold, almost cruel, “I’ll be going off to college soon. Then neither of us will have to pretend anymore.”
Something inside me shattered like fine crystal.
He doesn’t see me as his mother, I thought. Maybe he never did.
But worse.
Maybe I never made him believe I wanted to be his mom.
“I’ll miss you,” I said softly.
He laughed. “Sure.”
Then he stood, scraped his plate into the sink with more force than necessary, and grabbed his keys from the counter.
“I’m going to Noah’s. Study group.”
“Jamie, wait—”
“I’ll be back before midnight, Laura.”
Not Mom.
Laura.
The front door clicked shut before I could say another word. I sat there alone at the table, staring at the empty chair across from me that used to be Michael’s but now belonged to nobody.
In my pocket, the letter pressed against my side like a stone.
I’m not your kid. The words echoed in my head like a bell that wouldn’t stop ringing.
***
The night before Jamie’s birthday, the house was quiet again. It was always quiet now.
I sat in the living room, wrapping the watch, my hands stiff and clumsy.
The paper kept crinkling wrong, and the tape stuck to my fingers. I had to start over twice.
I should have, I knew I should have, but every time I thought about it, I heard his voice: I’m not your kid.
I’d stayed up with him all night when he was seven and got strep throat. I’d wiped his forehead with cold cloths and read him stories until my voice went hoarse.
I remembered staying up until two in the morning to rebuild his volcano science experiment when it didn’t want to erupt.
When it finally worked, he’d hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe.
When he was 15 and his first real girlfriend broke up with him over text, I’d stroked his hair and told him he was going to be okay.
I’d chosen him every single day for 15 years, whether he knew it or not, and I was still just Laura.
I heard the front door open, followed by Jaime’s footsteps in the hallway, his voice, relaxed in a way he never was around me anymore.
“Yeah, it’s just me and Laura celebrating tomorrow,” he said. “Like a family thing, except she’s not my actual mom.”
My breath caught. I didn’t call out.
Instead, I just sat there in the wingback chair in the living room, my back to the entryway, listening to his footsteps as he went up to his room.
I waited until I heard his door click shut upstairs. Then I finally let myself breathe, and the breath broke into a sob I had to muffle with my hand.
The next morning, Jamie’s 18th birthday, I woke up before dawn and baked cinnamon rolls from scratch, the kind that take three hours because you have to let the dough rise twice. I made fresh coffee, scrambled eggs with cheese, and bacon.
Even if he didn’t see me as his mother, I wanted to try to fill that role for him one more time.
Jamie came downstairs at eight, still sleepy, hair sticking up in the back. He saw the breakfast spread and stopped.
The letter sat on the counter, propped against the fruit bowl.
“You didn’t have to do all this,” he said softly.
I smiled, but it felt fragile on my face. “Yes, I did.”
I handed him the wrapped box.
He opened it carefully, and when he saw the watch box, I heard his breath catch.
“This was Dad’s?” His voice cracked on the word.
“And his father’s. He wanted you to have it when you turned 18.”
Jamie’s eyes went glassy. He stood and hugged me…
he hadn’t done that since the funeral. I held him close and, for a moment, I let myself hope.
When he released me, I fetched the letter. My fingers shook as I held it out to him.
“There’s something else,” I said.
“I found this when I was looking for the watch. It’s from your birth mother. Your dad kept it all these years.
I think you should have it.”
Jamie took it slowly. He sat down at the table and opened it.
I couldn’t watch. I walked to the living room and sat on the couch, my hands clasped in my lap like I was waiting for a verdict.
It felt like forever before I heard Jamie’s footsteps behind me.
He appeared in the doorway, eyes red and wet, holding the letter in both hands.
“You should hear this,” he said. He cleared his throat and started reading. “Jamie, if you’re reading this, it means you’re no longer my tiny baby, but a young man with a whole life ahead of you.
I won’t get to see it, and that breaks my heart in ways I don’t have words for.”
He paused, swallowed hard.
“I pray that someone will be there to love you like I would have. To show up for you. To choose you every single day.”
Another pause.
Longer this time.
“And if someone has stepped into that role, I hope you know it’s okay to love her back. It’s even okay to call her ‘Mom.’ Loving her doesn’t take anything away from me. It means I got my greatest wish because someone was there for you when I couldn’t be.”
Jamie’s voice broke completely.
I stood without thinking and went to him. I opened my arms, and he collapsed into them like he used to when he was small.
“Thank you,” he whispered against my shoulder. “You’ve always been there for me.
Even now. I thought you might leave after Dad… but you’re still here.”
“I never planned to love you halfway, Jamie,” I said, and my own voice was barely holding together. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He pulled back just enough to look at me.
His face was wet. Mine was too.
“Thank you, Mom.”
Mom. Not Laura, Mom.
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