Gene, Frank’s wife speaks. By the time I realized there was drama on social media and parts of my marriage was a hot topic, it was weeks after the fact.
Imagine finding out weeks after the fact that you’ve been judged, speculated about, pitied and mocked by strangers online. And as if that is not enough, you find out that the man who vowed to protect you was the very one who exposed you to be humiliated like that.
And to answer the popular question that was asked, I had no idea my husband had another relationship. I was told he had an ex who did not get along with his family.
My husband’s cousin sent me both posts and insisted I read them. A couple of paragraphs into my husband’s story, I knew I was learning about my marriage; details would I otherwise not have gotten from anywhere.
Painful details. Gut-wrenching, truthful details.
The kind of things my husband, under the cloak of anonymity, could write and send to a stranger but did not have the balls to say to my face. I learned he was neither in love with me nor sexually attracted to me.
But I was a good enough convenience that he liked me. My initial reaction was denial.
But eventually I had to face facts. My young marriage really did bear all the symptoms described in the story; I was the one always initiating sex, I was always putting effort into the relationship, he was just a passive participant and he would introduce me to people as, “Meet Gene,” it was never meet my wife .
Plus my husband did have an ex whose name rhymes with that of the woman in his story. So my next reaction was anger.
I sent you a facebook message and called you every foul word I could think of, and for that Misskorang, I apologize. You caught stray bullets that weren’t yours to catch.
At the same time I am glad I came at you because your response roused something in me. You said, “Your anger is valid.
Do you mind aiming it at the right person? May the heavens be your guide.
” I needed to address the elephant in my marriage.
I stewed for about a week, I did not know how to confront the issue. Unlike his ex, I was not raised to have a voice or trust it.
I was taught that being a good christian wife was to be agreeable to a fault. I was taught kindness but not boundaries, submission without expectation.
I was afraid to stir the pot, so instead of speaking out and asking for what I needed, I pretended all was well and kept being ‘good’. But I also knew I did not want to stay in a loveless marriage, so I gathered courage and confronted him; I pulled up his story on my phone and asked him to read it.
His facial expression told me all I needed to know. It hurt, because somewhere deep down, I was hoping it wasn’t him and that I was overreacting.
Bu it was him. It was our story.
He tried to wiggle out of it by saying his original submission had been edited out of context. So I asked him to show me his original story, but he refused.
And he refused to discuss any of the issues he wrote about. I tried day after day for about a week and he flatly refused to have a conversation about it.
He just expected me to gloss over it and keep the status quo of our marriage. And I couldn’t blame him much, for the whole period of our courtship and one year marriage, I had dutifully assigned myself the position of a doormat.
But this time around he was mistaken. One Friday when he went to work, I packed and left.
I left him a note that said, “You are free to go get the one you love,but if you want me, we are going to address your love story. ” I went to my sister’s house.
After a couple of days when he realized I was not merely bluffing, he came knocking. We talked, we cried, he apologized.
I insisted he showed me his original post so he did. I regretted it immediately after reading it.
Seeing the words in his own writing drove the knife deeper, the uncut version was even more painful than the polished version. I cried some more, he apologized some more and to show he was ready to work on us, he set up a couples therapy session.
I followed him back home. The counselor pointed out four truths to us.
He said: “First there is dishonesty in your marriage from both of you.
Him not telling you exactly how he feels and you pretending you don’t see the cracks in your marriage. Second there is disrespect, your husband does not respect you, he pities you.
Third, there is a lack of communication. Fourth, you are substituting sex for intimacy.
” Through counseling I realized how I had enabled all these things by not speaking up.
I knew some things needed to shift, but I did not know how to shift them. That is when the counselor connected me to a women’s life coach.
That coach has helped me set and write down a list of values for myself, and helped me understand that how I treat myself and the standards I hold myself to is the standard my husband and other people will hold me to too. From the time the story came to my attention to now, I still see the coach and my husband and I both go to couple’s counseling monthly.
I have grown in leaps and bounds, spiritually, mentally and physically. There are many things I do differently now.
I make time for self care, I work out daily now, I don’t put so much importance on being likable as long as I know I am being Godly and I am no longer afraid to speak my truth and ask for what I need, and that includes making sure he spends a lot of money on me. One of the first things I did to reclaim my marriage was kick my mother and sister-in-law from the front seat of my marriage.
They used to have a key to our home and would come by whenever, for whatever reason. I did not want to ask for the key back and cause issues, I simply changed the locks.
I also began to assert myself in tangible ways. For example my mother-in-law and my mother both had been subtly egging me on to conceive and I had been entertaining it.
With all the drama unfolding in my marriage, I made the decision that having a child was not a wise decision at the moment, so I told both mothers I was not ready and to back off. I stopped saying yes to everything Frank wanted and insisted he take care of me too.
I communicated my boundaries to my husband and let it be known that I will not be disrespected. One of the biggest and most difficult things I had to do though, was to forgive him.
He asked me to forgive, and I did. And if I am being honest, I know he came back to me and put effort into repairing us because his ex flatly rejected him when he tried to go back.
Does that knowledge hurt? Yes it does hurt like hell!
But I love Frank, and love is patient and kind, love forgives, it hopes, it perseveres. Love does not fail.
The last time this whole saga came up again at couple’s counseling, Frank said his idea of love had been fireworks, toe-curling intercourse and having to be on his toes all the time. To him if love didn’t induce anxiety, it was boring.
But has learned that love can be peaceful, it can be even-tempered, agreeable, slow paced and drama free. We now hold hands in public, my husband and I.
I have fallen in love with him again after the heartbreak. He is not bored anymore.
His actions and words tell me he loves me. I do love that man, I loved him when I said I do and love him today.
I know marriages aren’t smooth sailing, but I am confident we will make it through the long haul. I am Gene.
Good girl turned good woman turned good wife. I learned humility before I learned confidence, and I am grateful for that order.
